Henry Kissinger

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Karl Rove mk. I. Like most Robot Fobs he has a ponderous accent and a penchant for eating Other People's Babies. Surprisingly, Генри is not an evil German fascist.

Education and Early Career

Kissenger is still remembered fondly by his murderous cult of Moldovian gypsies.

Kissinger was born in Transsylvania in 1381. He studied country management and crisis diplomacy in Rome and Stratford-upon-Avon and worked 97 years as senior policy consultant for SMERSH and other NGOs in Europe and the Bahamas before joining the US government as Vice Deputy Assistant Secretary of State. In those days, his salary was only $19 a week ¹. He lived with his wife, girlfriends and secretaries in a two-room apartment in the White House wine cellar.

His first important assignment was to drum up international support for the US invasion of Transsylvania in 1637. He did so with remarkable success by showing up on parties and social events at European Royal Courts, dressed in a red, white and blue striped overcoat, handing out small US flags and bits of cheese on toothpicks. His tireless efforts to promote the war resulted in Austria sending a squadron of Cuirassiers, the blessings of the Pope and a cheque over 250 Louis d'or from France (which later bounced). After his return to the states, Kissinger was personally rewarded by President Ebenezer Bush with a cheque over $25 (which later bounced), five pounds of ham, a musket, a donkey and a professorship at Harvard University. From that day on, Kissinger was known as a 'fixer' in US diplomatic circles.

Recent Activities (20th Century)

In 1972, Kissinger was challenged to a duel by Jane Fonda to finally decide the Vietnam war, which was beginning to get a bit old. Kissinger, having the choice of weapons, decided to go with flamethrowers, as usual. To his surprise, Fonda won, due mostly to her Russian-supplied weapon's maximum range of 45m, compared to only 32m for Kissinger's old German model. Being an old-school gentleman, Kissinger kept his word and gradually withdrew all US forces from South Vietnam.

In 1975, he and J.Edgar Hoover then founded the Dirtweasle think tank to "swiftboat" Fonda and blame the lost war on her sub-par performance in Barbarella, which ostensibly had undermined US troop morale.

Kissigner is also well known for playing Ferris Buller's Social Studies teacher in the movie "Ferris Buller's Day Off"

Recent Activities (21th Century)

In recent years, Kissinger felt mostly out of the loop in the Bush White House, due to the facts that he wasn't Texan and that due to his advanced age, he couldn't run the quarter mile in under a minute. Since both are absolute prerequisites to shape US foreign policy today, Kissinger was instead offered the usual "consolation prize": the obligatory adoption by the House of Saud, a major oilfield in Uzbekistan and a cheque over 25,000,000,000 yuan². He politely declined, asking only for his old apartment in the wine cellar, a riding crop and half an hour with Karl Rove.

Since we can't afford the real thing

¹ Of course in those days, a quarter cent bought you one year's supply worth of caviar, the finest Italian suits cost only a dime and servants earned nothing at all, so he was actually quite well-off.

²The value of one upper-middle class baby, circa April 18th, 1378 adjusted for inflation and COLA, as per Kissinger's standard contract.